There are so many voices filling the silence—silence that should be the sacred space for reflection and processing—that for some, not-listening has quietly become the preferred listening style.  It isn't surprising - I find myself falling prey from time to time!  Airways and opinion pages are packed with questionable 'facts' and even unimaginable 'truths' that get amplified in tweets and reposts day after day.  Becoming a skilled non-listener should only b, at best, a short term BELIEF BUFFERING strategy (Marshall, Becoming You pp 58-59). A coping tool to tide you over during these very ear splitting times.  Why? you might ask - well - because becoming a habitual non-listener will only make you more vulnerable to disappointment when the future does not make the kinds of turns you had hoped for.  Hope and prayers won't change the future (Marshall's law #4, p 28). So beyond the habit of tuning out, where do you stand as a listener? Here’s a short, not-so-scientific list of some listening styles. Recognize yourself in any of them? Feel free to add your own!

The Double Dutch listener- Listen to impress:  Conversation as a competition - This is the person who sees a conversation like a double-Dutch rope skipping contest.  This person does not want to be part of a give and take, but is just waiting for a chance to jump in and dazzle with their fancy words and name-dropping acquaintances. Polished, poised—and perpetually distracted by their next entrance line.  

The Overwhelming Know It All (OKIA)- Listen to teach/correct:  Weaponization of Words - This person is a cornucopia of information just waiting to hear a key word that can unlock their knowledge bins.  This individual is not waiting to join a conversation but to correct the other speakers and demonstrate a level of superiority over otherwise overlooked facts and unsolicited expertise. Not so much a conversation partner as a walking pop-up textbook. Helpful? Maybe. Exhausting? Absolutely.

The intense listener- Listen to engage: It is easy to identify these listeners because of their body and eye  intensity.  They literally lean into the conversation, lock eyes with the other speaker and provide ample non-verbal communication (head movements, body positioning) to show engagement.  They ask probing questions, clarifying questions and repeated statements before offering any information.  Sometimes their mere proximity and hard listening can close a conversation despite showing how much they care. 

The curious listener - Listen to learn: These listening seekers come in many forms - the person who looks perplexed, then relieved when able to enter the conversation and word volley with other speakers.  Their questions are considered before asked and lead the conversation deeper.  They are likely able to accept a premise they don't actually agree with, and like to learn about other viewpoints as an entry into more thoughtful discussions in the future. Their curiosity invites richer, deeper dialogue—and it shows.

The conversationalist - Listen to enjoy: person actually makes a conversation effortlessly lively and entertaining.  The topic can change but the mood of enjoying each other's company remains, like a wonderful shared meal.  There is a give and take with no posturing, judgements or scene stealing.  It is the easy conversation that puts everyone in a good mood and allows for an open flow of ideas revealing a sense of joy in connecting. 

The Empath - Listen to hear: When you find yourself with a person who truly gets you, who holds space for you, who listens without interruption, and reflects with gentle insight. A person who provides thoughtful support and helps you to reflect on some of your own thoughts and beliefs, you have found the empathetic listener.  There is a generosity of caring that is not oppressive but freeing.  These exchanges are rare, profound, and unforgettable. They’re heavy, but healing.

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Of course these are but a few of the kinds of listeners we encounter - and rarely are we only one kind!  Having an awareness, however, of our dominant listening characteristic might open us up to learning new styles and making new friends - not teaching, correcting, admonishing, judging, or entertaining - but actually learning, sharing, and connecting with others. Turn off the TV, the podcasts, the substack audios and get back to engaging, listening with curiosity and caring.  This, after all, is what it means to be human.  

Oh yeah, thanks for listening!

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